Miss Barbara Blonde

Take it from Miss Barbara Blonde, if you want to make it in New York—you're going to have to learn to be tough. A working class mannequin subjected daily to the dietary and catty pressures of display windows, torturous hair schools, and even yes—when times are really tough—beauty supply stores. It wasn’t like this in California, where the sun was usually shining and her parents were close by. Her mother, a regular fixture at Macy’s in LA and San Francisco, and her father, an accountant for the department store, warned Miss Barbara B not to venture so far from the familiar. But the smell of urine on the subway and the crisp winters and sweaty summers beckoned her. She knew that there would be endless opportunity, a new adventure around every corner. She packed her bag, put up her hair, and found herself dead smack in it—Brooklyn, New York.

Meet Miss B. If you’re a girl who thirsts for a taste of city living, read this column. She’s gonna make it after all.

Dear Miss Barbara Blonde,

I just started dating this guy about a month ago. We have great sexual chemistry as far as making out goes. We can do that all night, but when I start to go down on his nether regions his penis is barely hard, not enough for penetration. I've been with men before and have had no complaints in the bedroom, but I must admit it makes me a bit insecure that I can't please him. Is there something wrong with me?

Confused Caroline

Nothing is wrong with you little sweetie. Sounds like homeboy has some peen issues he may need to work out. There are a few things that could be contributing to your man's floppy cock. You wouldn't think this is even a possibility, but guys can't always control how hard they get. He could be stressed, tired, not in the mood or a million other things that I'm sure happens to you as well, sometimes, when you're being persuaded to get a hot beef injection. Or he may have some issues he should check into to make sure he's got a healthy heart. I heard once that a man can tell the health of his heart by the stiffness of his tool. My last bit of advice would be to tease his cock a little. Sometimes, when i'm with a guy I kiss him from his mouth all the way down to his inner thighs. I put my lips all around his crotch without going straight for the goods. It's a way to make him want it, but you decide when you're going to give it to him. This tends to get the boys a little more turned on, because we all need to be warmed up a little. Sometimes.

Dear Miss B,

I'm a 20-something heterosexual guy who has been in a monogamous relationship with my girlfriend for over a year and a half. We have sex on average 3 to 4 times a week. At least one of those sexual encounters my condom always seems to slip off. My penis is average in width and above average in length, as far as size goes. I will admit that I do tend to have a lot of pre-cum, but I wouldn't think that's the problem. Is it?

Slippery Steven

Why are you guys still using condoms when you fuck? I'm guessing that you're doing it solely for birth control. But if that's the case, just cum on her face. I have definitely seen a lot of pre-jizz in my day, but never has it been problematic in terms of condom slippage. There could be a couple things that could be the problem. One could be if you or your girlfriend are using too much lube or any kind of contraceptive foams or ointments that could be getting in between the condom and your ween. The other could be if you are circumcised or not. Uncircumcised men tend to have more slipping of condoms likely due to the way the foreskin moves across the penis and therefore moving against the condom. I wouldn't put too much thought into how your pre-jizz is making them slip, because either way you can't really control how much of that you're producing. What I would suggest for you is trying out different brands until you find the perfect fit. Make it a fun experiment that both you and your lady can enjoy.

Dear Barbara Blonde,

I'm a single girl from the San Francisco Bay Area who has random sex with men usually once or twice a month. I've been on birth control pills for 10 years now just because I never know when I'm going to have a sexual encounter. Some people say it's unnatural for my body to be consistently on it for so long. What do you think?

Birth Control Brianna

Random men twice a month? You sound like my kinda girl. For me. I try to stay away from anything prescribed by pharmacuedical companies. It's all just a big money making scheme in my opinion anyway. I was on birth control for a bit a few years ago, but besides it regulating my vadge flow, it made me feel totally wierd. The one thing I would say is I do have a friend who was on the pill for many years and found out it was linked to her having a bad case of HPV, but that could also be the fact that she was going through a major slutty phase. It does make you think though, that putting anything into your body everyday besides food, water and oxygen for the past ten years should make you a bit more cautious of what kind of life choices you're making. Such as not smoking, and being good about seeing your OBGYN at least every six months. Or you could say "fuck it". Go off the pill, smoke a shit load of cigs, and make those two random men a month pull out when they're about to blow their loads, and just cum all over your chest. That's what I do.

Contact Miss Barbara Blonde with any questions you may have at MissB@Workingclassmag.com.

Miss Barbara Blonde is not a doctor of any kind, but she does take your questions seriously by researching some solutions to the best of her ability. But I wouldn't take her answers too literally. She is after all just a plastic head.